Everybody Poops

I want to write my own children’s book… Ok the truth is I’ve wanted to do this for a long time and have several ideas and will get around to that writing adventure eventually. But what I mean is I just had a new idea and I want to write a book about how everybody poops.

What? There is a book like this already?

Yes. Yes that’s true and it’s a good one. Everyone Poops! It’s designed to help little kids feel comfortable using the new and terrifying toilet. Excellent concept.

Here’s a concept though.

A children’s style book. Written for adults. About social anxiety.

Imagine the super sexy crush you don’t feel like you can talk to taking big ol’ dump. They’re just sitting there, being real hot and intimidating, while trying to pinch one out. I just can’t think that’s very intimidating.

This is such a better concept for performers, too. Don’t picture everyone in their underwear. Picture them out there in the audience sitting on public toilets. Oooooookay… that made me chuckle a little to myself. No one is scary sitting on a public toilet!!

Think about your next social gathering coming up. There are too many people there. They’ll all be talking and expecting you to talk. But what if you say something dumb? Doesn’t matter. Later they’ll be pulling up their Squatty Potty to try to get maximum elimination.

Got an important job interview??

Just picture the super scary boss-to-be leaning way over to wipe with a hand barely covered by three squares of thin paper across their butt hole to literally remove feces from their skin. I mean, come on! How can you NOT get this job!!

Then years later at said job when you need to ask for a raise. No need to be nervous when you work for an ass wipe like that!!

Last scenario. Picture the person you are most intimidated by in the whole world. At some point they have used too cheap or too fancy (picture super quilted Charmin) toilet paper. That paper has left residual tissue particles behind. That tissue debris stays between the cheeks creating what we call, ‘Crumb Bum’ and will stay there until their next shower. That crumb bum is an itchy situation.

Picture that most supreme intimidation machine scratching at their ass hole to find relief from the crumb bum.

You will never be intimidated by them again.

And don’t even get me started on the fact that LITERALLY every person you have ever been nervous around has had such bad diarrhea they have had to take a shower afterwards. Everyone.

Take this and run away, my newly empowered friends. Change the world with your confidence!!

This is the secret to social success!

(also don’t steal my book idea.)

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